My last blog post I wrote about my little white pill, that was months ago. Today I am now on two little white pills and life couldn’t be more weird.

It’s strange to wake up every morning wondering what is missing from your life and from yourself because the truth of the matter is, my mind has never been so stable in my life, but I constantly wonder, “who am I?”

Lexapro and Wellbutrin, my doctors drugs of choice for me, saying they will counteract each other to stabilize my anxiety, depression, and OCD. And I mean, she’s not wrong. My mind is clear, my depression is as mild as ever, my OCD is mostly under control. But, there’s always a “but,” right?

I feel like an empty shell some days, wondering where the rest of me went. I’m mom, I’m wife, I’m daughter, I’m sister, I’m friend, but who am I? I, me, myself, who is that? And I’m asking because when I look in the mirror, I truly don’t recognize myself. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.

I was once ambitious and strong willed, sweet and kind, a talkative extrovert, but now I feel that I just go through the motions, content like a boat rocking out at sea. There’s waves and storms, but I just float on by. Am I too scared to rock my boat now? To rock anyones boat?

Is it the meds or is it just me now? Did motherhood and marriage truly affect me this much that I am nothing like myself anymore?

It boggles my mind, I get hyper fixated on the fact that I don’t know who I am and I try and try to discover myself again, but same result every time, I’m mom, I’m wife, I’m daughter, I’m sister, I’m friend.

Maybe one day I’ll figure it out, but I don’t think today is that day. Going off the meds and rediscovering myself has been so heavy on my mind lately, but I’m worried of the spiral. I worried this content-ness will leave me and I won’t function to society’s standard of “normal” anymore.

Until next time, my nonexistent followers.